While some life-changing things started happening back home in the past year, I had a life-changing eye-opener.
It was as if I was struck by lightening and awoken from a long dream. It had been creeping up for a while but it was some sad news that fired it off.
I was busy working and caught up in my own world for two weeks but as soon as it all settled and the news had sunk in, I wondered what the heck I have been doing the past six years – how have I been living? I looked around the mess in my room: I was then occupying my seventh student room, living with five strangers (that were all six years younger than me – age does make a difference sometimes) that I did not get along with. We were simply not on the same page in life. They were all in their early twenties and wanted to party and have fun and explore – all the things I did at that age myself. But I am not there anymore. I grew out of it. I grew into growing up and wanting to build and establish something. I had enough of starting over, getting to know new people and saying goodbye. I reached the point where I need to land.
Nog är nog. Till slut går det inte längre. Det är som att hela kroppen skriker nej.
When I looked around my room, I saw nothing but a mess. I had things lying around all over the floor. The dust had been growing since January. Yes, it was gross, I hadn’t even hoovered more than once in the past four months. The worst bit was that I hadn’t even realised how dirty it was. I had not noticed the dust and books piling up. “University can do strange things to you” one of my flatmates had said to me a few months earlier. I thought my room was a bit messy then. It was worse now. I normally file and organise all my essays and keep my books on the shelves, now they were all piling up in an unorganized mess on the floor. I could not stand the mess! My life took place on three square meters for the entirety of three months – I had my desk next to my bed so I slept, studied, read, ate, watched films, listened to music and Skyped from the one and same few square metres through the whole semester.
Of course I tried to make the most out of it, with the circumstances I had, but I was simply not happy. It was time to go. I had already made up my mind. This was no longer my world. Scotland, Stirling, was no longer the place I wanted to be in. While in Hawaii, I realised that my life wasn’t as perfect in Scotland as I made myself believe it was.
Every day I was bored out of my mind, I went for several walks, sometimes they were four hours long. I was just counting down the days until departure. I was doing it once again – longing out. I needed to leave. I had had enough of Scotland, of university, especially of this degree and the modules I have been taking. For three years I had been waiting for the stimulation to get started, waiting for one module after the other, waiting for it to get more interesting.. It never did. Somehow, in the meantime, I finished a whole bachelor’s. I am not quite sure how it happened. On tops, I spent a few hours scribbling together my first class essays. Now, three years later I realise what a waste (academically speaking) those three years were. I stuck around to buy myself some time to figure out what I want. I didn’t really, I only figured out that staying there, finishing that degree is not what I want at all, sadly.
Above all, what I realised is that this is not the life that I want to live any longer. I wish it was, but I have done it for too long already. The temporariness got to me and I needed to make changes and turn my life upside down, I realised I needed to settle for a while.
The thought of settling bores me a bit and makes me crumble inside, but it also makes me feel calm and at peace. It is what I need right now. Sometimes we just need to what we have to for the time being.
Yes, we should grasp opportunities but we cannot always grasp all of them. Sometimes we need to let some slip away and take another path. We can always create new chances later, when the timing is better.
Ibland måste man låta ambitionen vila
I’ll address the importance of timing in the next post.