When I went to the dentist one and a half year ago, she asked me “What drives you? [to travel)”. I have never really understood why dentists need to keep up with all the small talk as they are digging around your mouth, do they actually expect you to answer? I have always found those situations awkward.
I don’t know what drives me, specifically.. Adventure? Search for something else, something more, something greater than everyday-life? I am not even sure I am searching for something. I think the quest lies in the venturing itself.
Sometimes though, I do wonder what drives me, what keeps me on the road, what keeps me from going home (wherever that actually would be). Because sometimes I do miss having something steady. Sometimes I do miss having that extra comfort many of us are lucky to have back in Scandinavia, and most parts of Europe. In fact, recently, what I have wanted the most is a place to myself. My own little hiding place, where I can close that door and not having to see any other person if I do not so wish. That is my ultimate (short term) dream right now. And I am planning on making that coming true in the near future.
I have missed my family and my original home, Stockholm, lately. I have reached that point where I admit – after years of shouting out to the world how much I hate Sweden and Stockholm: I miss it.
What is it really that prevents me from going home then? What makes me keep on heading in this same directoin, when I simply do not always want that?
Because it is the one and only thing I feel like I ought to do in life. I feel like I have to do this, even when I do not want to. It has become my identity, who I am, all I know and everything in my life evolves around it. I am also doing it for the story, to inspire others to do the same, and of course for the thrill. Most of the time I do love being on the road. But yes, sometimes I miss a sense of stability. As the saying goes: you cannot have it all. (Though, I am working on it. I am not only a realist, I am also an idealist.)
Yes, I do wish sometimes that I could be more like my brother – more homy, living in the same little suburb outside Stockholm where we grew up, raising a family, visiting Dad in Gothenburg a few times a year, always attending family gatherings and so on. But that is not me. That kind of life is not for me. We all want and need different things, and as glorious as a lifestyle is to someone, it might not be as great and awesome to you. I know my brother does not think it is incredibly cool that I have lived in five countries, have visited six times as many and currently reside on the Big Island of Hawaii. I still think it is super cool that he has a gourgeous and beautiful seven month old son. Yet, this is not the same as wanting it for yourself.
(Originally posted in October 2015, when I was residing in Hawaii)